he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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