cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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