i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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