I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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