It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
