My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
