i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
