Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
