oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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