So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
