I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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