i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
