i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Houston, we have a blender
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
