he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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