His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
