I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
