How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
