do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
