Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
