Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
