found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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