So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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