Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
