remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
