genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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