that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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