fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
