Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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