This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
so much tequila, so little girl.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
