69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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