The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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