I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
