My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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