Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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