My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It's no shave November. This is our time.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
