I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
