you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
