I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I'm having to shit out rocks
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