Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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