I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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