May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Randomize
