Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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