I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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