laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
