I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
