??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
