Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
