i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
