My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
