just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
